


Ever In Your Debt

by likeasouffle



Category: Sherlock (TV)
Genre: Canon-Typical Violence, Gen, Letters, Reaction, Sherlock Apologizes, The Final Problem
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-20
Updated: 2017-01-20
Packaged: 2018-09-18 16:48:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,176
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9394301
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/likeasouffle/pseuds/likeasouffle
Summary: Description: How did Molly go from crying in her kitchen to skipping happily into 221B? This is the letter that set the healing process in motion. (Reaction fic for 4x3, The Final Problem)Pairing: It’s not really Sherlock/Molly, and it’s not really Sherlock/John, but in a way it has overtones of either, or neither, or both, depending how you look at it.Rating: PG (References to canonical violence and distress)Beta: Jazzypizzaz. Thank you!Posted on Tumblrhere.





	

Molly,

I have three things to say to you. You should be aware that it is entirely possible that some of the pieces of information contained in this letter are matters of national security. However, I owe you complete honesty, and who ever listens when Mycroft speaks anyway?

First, an explanation. I trust that you are familiar enough with the strangeness of my life that you will not find the following to be unreasonably far-fetched. 

I have recently become aware that I have a sister, Eurus, who has been detained since childhood in a secret, high security facility, not for her benefit but for the safety of society at large. She murdered my closest friend when we were children and showed no remorse for it, or for her many other displays of cruelty. I blocked all of this from my memory and spent most of my life believing I had only one sibling.

Some time ago she began stalking John and myself, meddling in our lives, and ultimately attempted to kill us via motion-activated grenade. After that I went to her location, accompanied by John and Mycroft, in order to learn more and to ensure the security of the facility. 

Eurus is very perceptive, more so than I am, and has the ability to discover any person’s weakness so that she might manipulate or persuade that person to do whatever she wants. I’m told she convinced a guard to murder his own family, just by speaking to him. She has also used this ability to have her room modified, to have gifts brought to her, and to obtain travel to London, among other things.

While we were there, she put the three of us through a series of trials in order to witness our reactions. We believed we were on a quest to save a young girl from dying. It soon became clear that Eurus was willing to kill, without warning or reason, and without allowing us the opportunity to change the outcome. While I was still reeling from this realization, she put through the phone call to you.

She instructed me to convince you to say those words, within a time limit of three minutes, or she would detonate explosives inside your home. I couldn’t think of any other solution, not in the time available. I knew it was possible that no matter what I did, she might kill you anyway, but I believed that if I didn’t play along, your death was inevitable. 

In the end there were no explosives (and Mycroft has since abused his resources to confirm this) so you have no need to worry. You were never in physical danger.

Now on to the second item: an apology. I know that I have hurt you in the past, sometimes because I was unaware of your feelings, sometimes because I considered them to be an inconvenience, and sometimes because I thought I could cure you of your misguided affection for me if only I was cruel enough. At those times, I was trying to be kind. (Having now been on the receiving end of such a kindness from Mycroft, I find I would have preferred a more forthright approach.)

This most recent time, though, I knew exactly what I was doing, and I knew that you would keep right on feeling whatever you were going to feel for me regardless of what I did. I knew that I was only making things worse, and I did it anyway. I don’t regret it, because I’m relieved to know you’re alive even if you never speak to me again, but I’m sorry I caused you distress.

At one time, I smugly described myself as a sociopath, proud of the way my intellect was unclouded by the distractions of emotional turmoil. But I believe now that that was not my natural state. I believe I had closed myself off from attachments, which is an emotional decision in itself. All the while I was being supported and protected by Mycroft, John, Mary, Mrs. Hudson, and you. I’m starting to understand some of the benefits of community. 

I wonder why I was so reluctant to say I love you, even knowing the potential consequences of not doing so. They’re just words. What harm can they do? But obviously they had a profound effect on you, and I must have predicted that. The trouble is, I’m not entirely certain I know what love is. I have come to depend on your support, and to care about your well being. But if that’s all it takes, then one could just as easily say I love John. After all, I’m willing to sacrifice a great deal to keep him safe. His daughter too. I witnessed a man willing to die to save his wife － is that what love is? If so, it’s useless as evidence, because in that case love can only be proven to exist once it’s over. I suspect I’ll be turning this over in my mind for some time.

During our little adventure, John and I were brought to my childhood home, and John was trapped in a well along with the bones of my dead friend. I didn’t know the location. I hadn’t even known there was a well － it was out on the edge of the property, beyond a copse of trees, and clearly hadn’t been used in generations, not since plumbing had first been installed in the house. In any case, John was depending on me to save him. A chain had been locked to both his ankles such that he was too weighted down to either tread water or climb out of it. For once I wouldn’t be able to save him purely through intellect, or even brute strength. The solution was to connect with my sister, to comfort her, to appeal to her emotions. I’m trying to see this newfound ability as an additional tool I can use in my work, even as I berate myself for the failings of my mind. I had of course known it was possible to block memories and play tricks on oneself, but I had always trusted my mind to behave. In what other ways am I wrong about the world, or completely ignorant of essential information? I can’t know until I know.

I’m getting sidetracked. The third and final part: a request. Yes, another one. Please visit 221B from time to time. It would be a shame if I was the cause of John losing his friendship with you. And he claims Rosie misses you. I don’t see how one can really know such things about an infant. I suspect he’s projecting. 

Anyway, please visit. If you wish, you can arrange it with John so that you’re here while I’m out. If you do see me, feel free to slap my face, but please use your flat palm, not your fist. Your hands are essential to your work and it would be a shame if you were to damage them.

Ever in your debt,  
Sherlock


End file.
